My Journey

So my real name is not Selenah Arwin. It is an alias designed to protect my real identity. I don't want my real identity to be known due to the vast dangers associated with the internet as well as making sure nobody comes knocking on my door to tell me I'm crazy for believing in magick, and send me away with people in white coats. My Journey so far has lead me to start this blog in hopes to inspire others to find the truth within themselves as well as hoping to find support from my fellow pagans.

Anyway I am getting a head of myself. My Journey starts really when I was born, however, my personal metamorphosis started just 3 months ago. Before the end of January, I was Christian, or trying to be. I tried the good girl following the rules of the church persona, and have failed. I became a reborn virgin in those days, as well as reading the bible and trying to follow all their rules. However, I have failed all my life at this. It has never felt right to me. I always knew that somehow the church's teachings was corrupted and wrong. It installed a fear in me that I am a bad person no matter what I tried to do. I tried to be perfect. I felt like I could never please god even though I was sincerely trying hard to. I felt rejected and hurt and it made me depressed. I fought myself over and over again, and I couldn't understand why I couldn't find the peace I wanted so badly within myself. Other Christians seemed happy and content and at complete peace with them selves, and it was something I was desperately searching for.  Despite the churches teachings there are some great people who attend the church. They are kind loving, and some are even non judgmental. Still the teachings of the church I felt were still way off, but I feared that if I didn't try to live the way they wanted me to that Id never be a good enough person to enter heaven. I always worried about it, and yet something deep inside me was still fighting what I was doing to myself.

I was always drawn to magick and I never understood why. It  goes back to my child hood. When I was little I used to dream about witches, warlocks, magick, my past lives, vampires, and many other magical dreams. Some of them felt very vivid, and I had a longing for Magick's since, but I couldn't understand why. My parents thought I just had an overactive imagination, and thought I was crazy. But I could never shake the fact that some dreams felt real and vivid and sometimes Id wake up feeling like I was drained of energy, like I hadn't slept in days. Has happened for a long time. In October of last year I started get dreams about demons attacking me as well as me attacking them to kill them. Id wake up feeling drained, and have physical evidence in the morning that I had fought something. I'd cover myself up in order to hide it. Then as I kept having them I started remembering that I had those dreams all my life and that I have always had demon dreams. Then three months ago I had awakened spiritually, and I found out what the god and goddess had created me for, and that the churches teachings were wrong. I submerged myself in research, first starting with the Gnostic Gospels. I still hold some Christian values and teachings so I mainly consider myself a Gnostic Christian. I still believe in the ultimate God, or other wards some cultures call it/him/her Gia. I then branched and researched Wicca, druidism, and ancient Native Americans. I also researched ancient Egyptian theology with the Isis cults. I felt a weird bond/attraction to Isis cults, only later to remember I was a high priestess in many lives to the Isis Cult. I felt I was waking up finally from a bad nightmare, and I felt like I knew who I was and my purpose in life. Instead of walking blind like I had been for years. I felt rejuvenated and started to ground myself in who I was. I started accepting what I really believed in, and that is Magick, and that there was more than one God. I accepted my duty to the god and goddess, and my duty to this earth.

I am basically a warrior. The demon dreams I had been having all my life were actually real, and that I had the power to fight them, and destroy them. I had been doing it all my life subconsciously, and now it has reached my conscious. I have been taking measures to protecting myself. I have learned to shield myself, as well as protection and cleansing magick. I can do it without breaking a sweat, and I realized how powerful I really am. I started remembering how to do magick from past lives, and through the help of some pagan friends I have found along the way, including my twin star lover. I have strong healing abilities, am learning to control all the elements including light, darkness, and the basic four plus many others. I stopped fighting myself and finally just accepting who I am. I finally had found the peace I was searching for that I saw many Christians have that I did not have in my spiritual struggle.

However, even though I am at peace with myself now, there's still the daunting task of telling my Christian friends, and risk losing them. I been avoiding them like the plague because of my fear of them. I know there will be a time where I will have to share to them what I really believe in, and who I really am.