Crossroads.

First thing is I wrote a blog about Mastering anger at blogspot back in April. I have been trying to figure out the inner source of my inner anger issues which has some how been passed down from my past lives, as well as this life. I was told once that if you dream or remember certain aspects of past lives more than others that it means there are still past life issues unresolved, and some how have to come to terms and move on from them in this life. The past lives I remember have nothing but pain and anguish in them. After all I have been murdered brutally, Raped brutally and murdered in another, Had been forced to watch my children die and get murdered themselves, or even kill others in the fight for survival in my warrior days, and even burned at the stake. I know I had good lives too but they are fuzzy memories. I am a very old soul, and I am angry. My humanity doesn't understand why I had to go through these things. I know it was for a reason and since I believe these lives were mapped out before I was even alive in them, I don't understand why I would subject myself to such brutality. I have been hurt so much and through so much and I am just tired. I am angry because I feel the world's cruelty and the weight of it on my shoulders, and yet helpless that I can't do anything about it. The world I know is not in my hands, it belongs to the Gods and Goddesses of this plane of existence.

Which that very same thing leads me to the next part. The crossroads part I should say. I have a desire to help others. but yet I am artistic, and good with arts and crafts. I also learn fast and know that I can do anything I want to do. When I was Christian, I felt that God's will for me was to become a psychologist or a counselor. I didn't get very good grades, and I wasn't very passionate with pursuing that goal. It also doesn't help I was hurt in college really bad by my first love, and felt alone and isolated from everyone I knew because I went out of state for school. I have an interest on the theories of psychology, and in learning to understand how and why people think, and behave as they do, but I am already a natural at that. Why do I need to go through all this research and training to do what it is I naturally can do?

In any case, the part that gets me thinking is I am not Christian any more, and I fully realize what it means to have Free will. If that path was something that I was really meant to do then why is it that I feel I should be doing something different? Something that will drive my passion to work for what it is I really want to be doing? The most important question is also, What is it really that I want to do?  Psychology and being a counselor may seem like the right thing to do or seem like the best way to be helping people but who says it is the only path? What is it really that I want to do with my life that will make it meaningful? Does it really mean I really want to help people?

Does that also mean my life decisions based on my past religion no longer valid? Why am I still searching for these answers? I am 24 going on 25, shouldn't I already know the answer to that? Also what if I just exist for the sake of existence?  I am talented, strong willed, stubborn, courageous, and have so much potential to make my life the way I'd like it to be, so whats stopping me?  I think what's stopping me is that I don't have any idea what I really want from life.